December 12, 2009 On Disappointments

Romans 5:3-5: “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” [NIV]

It is inevitable that when we are in the world of work that we will face disappointments. Contracts will be lost, jobs given to others, promotions denied, budgets cut, projects canceled and individuals will fail to meet our expectations.  While disappointments also occur to those who are not working full-time, our disappointments can be more public, or have more immediate financial consequences than others.  We need to learn how to handle disappointments.

Non-spiritual people are lucky: they can blame others for their disappointments. My personal favorite was my parents; others blame their spouse, their children, a boss, perhaps the client who was stupid, took up our time, misled us, or otherwise caused our misfortune.

Once we agree to live our lives in concert with God’s Divine Power, we accept responsibility for the good and the bad in our lives.  We have ways of understanding events, accepting our share of the responsibility, and proceeding to live fully. 

But sometimes, in the face of certain disappointments, we forget our spirituality.  Sometimes we think that being spiritual means that bad things can no longer happen to us.  Sometimes we slip back into crazy-blaming behavior when we are disappointed.

Some principles that help us to get "to the other side" in the face of disappointments.

• Take care of ourselves

We would have celebrated (wouldn't we?) had things gone the way we wished.  In the same way we should now celebrate the presence of the new information, the end of the uncertainty, and the opportunity to move forward.  This celebration may be simpler and more private than the other one might have been, but celebrate we should.

If we are very disappointed, we should “parent” ourselves by taking ourselves out for a treat.  This treat should be healthy and non-addictive--perhaps a message, a long walk, lunch with a friend, a movie marathon with rented movies, a class, a concert, a phone chat--even a new piece of software or clothing that is pure treat.  Extra sleep is often called for; don’t ignore the rehabilitating effect of naps.

• Know that more will be revealed

We never know how this disappointment will create opportunities in the future.  There is growth in front of us always.  Projects, promotions, transfers and other opportunities will present themselves in their own good time.  These are opportunities which could not occur if the disappointing event had not happened.  We often discover--sometimes years later--that a plan for us, much better than we could create for ourselves, is in place.  We need to be patient with God’s work within the universe and realize that the timing is rarely on our time schedule. 

In fact, it is one of the wonderful advantages of a long life.  Disappointing events that occurred in my early thirties have become pillars of my strength two decades later.  A group I led once accused me of all kinds of terrible misdeeds.  It took years to learn that it had not been a flaw in my leadership, but rather my telling them “No” on several outrageous proposals they wanted to pass, that caused the back-biting and anger.  That learning path brought me more than one miracle in the process of discovering what had gone wrong.

• Ask what lessons are to be learned

Here is where we accept responsibility for our own actions.  By reviewing our actions, we can determine if we could have changed the outcome in anyway. This is not a “What if. . . : game.  This is not a “wudda, cudda, shoulda” game.  This is a process of continuous improvement where we learn from our experiences. This is a learning process, where we look dispassionately at what has occurred.  We identify exactly the choices we made that led to the disappointment.  For example, if not getting a certain promotion is the disappointment, we need to look at our decisions to:

·             

·         Complete projects on time, or not

·         Flatter others, or not

·         Work late, or not

·         Choose visible projects to work on, or not

·         Participate in team activities, or not

·         Gossip, or not

·         Set up a good infrastructure for projects (which may or may not be appreciated.)

·             

If the review reveals things we could have done differently, we can then begin to reconstruct our own practices. 

These are constructive actions that increase the likelihood of success in the future. They can include keeping better notes, broadening our network, managing our time better, avoiding the gossips in the office.   On the other hand, during the review we might discover that that this particular pursuit was really not in our best interests, or that we do not fit into the environment.  For example, working in a company where flattery is required in order to get a promotion is not healthy. Finally, it may be that it was just time for us to learn some lessons.  If we have honestly assessed our actions, then we can recognize those other lessons.  Listen closely to your heart at these moments, and ask for guidance, as always from the higher power of God’s love.

• Affirm that Divine Right Action is always present in our lives

Some of the worst disappointments have turned into liberating, clarifying and gratifying experiences.  Bankruptcy, layoff, even lawsuits and divorce or death of a loved one have been known to lead us into areas of recovery we never thought were possible. Life is full of briar patches that hurt.  It is part of the human condition. We don’t mean to be syrupy or saccharine, but finding a good that is embedded in the pain allows us to be graceful under fire.  It allows us to survive, when we are sure we will never breathe again.  It allows us to know ourselves in ways that a pain-free existence never can.  A colleague once treated me very poorly; I cried a lot with disappointment because I thought I needed to learn from him.  His coldness hurt me a great deal.  However, it made me learn the job myself, without depending on him. He couldn’t handle the dependency and neediness I was saddling him with.  Once I got stronger, we became great friends. And I mastered the job without him, building my own confidence for future challenges.

Prayer on Disappointments

Lord, let me be patient with your plan and the speed with which you reveal it to me.  Help me not to be embarrassed by this turn of events; help me not to believe that I am flawed and therefore caused this disappointment.  Please let me trust that life will go on, that what is before me will meet my needs.  Let me be gracious to those around me during these times. Amen.

Essay and Prayer written by Kathleen Whiteside-Langdon